• larakingcomedy

Die with a ‘t’

Now, this isn’t going to become a blog about being on a diet but, as well as all the other awesome, amazing, reportable things I do on a day to day basis I am also trying to lose weight.

“You’re not trying very hard”, I hear anyone say that has seen me, pictures of me or the size of the portions I manage to consume in the last three years. Well, that’s all about to change. And yes, I may have said that before but this time it really is different. I’ve decided for definite this time, it can go on no longer. Besides, I’ve already taken the ‘Before’ pictures.

Faced with having to look smart for a wedding last month I was forced to buy a new outfit. I have been avoiding buying any new clothes until I have my new body but it’s taking so long that all my old clothes have worn out in the meantime. Rather than go into an actual clothes shop where the largest size would be a 16 and the only thing that would fit me would be the changing room cubicle I ordered online.

How delightful, to have clothes arrive at my door that I can try on in the comfort of my own home without having to worry about my bottom poking through the curtain every time I bend over or the look of pity and commiseration on the shop assistant’s face when she asks, “Any good?”, knowing full well that there isn’t a garment in the entire store that would fit me.

“Not this time,” I smile back at her. “Bit long in the leg...”

“You could always take them up?” she is trying to be helpful.

“It’s fine thanks,” I say “I can’t really sew.”

“Oh,” she exclaims, “I love needlework!”

“That’s lucky,” I say and hand her the selection of buttons that have popped off the trousers I just tried on. “You can sew these back on.”

I won’t have that problem with my newly ordered online trousers. They have an elasticated waist. Yes friends. It has come to this. An elasticated waist. But no one will know because the waistline will be covered by the top I have also bought online which is little other than a table cloth with a hole cut in the top for my head to poke through. I think it’s called a ‘smock’. They were fashionable in the 70’s and look great on Judi Dench.

As for my new shoes, well, my feet are just the same size as everyone else’s. Standard size 6. As adults we don’t measure our feet in the same way we did as growing children. I can remember in the Clarks section of our local department store having my feet measured properly for some summer sandals and the shop assistant calling over a manager to check the measurement. “Yes, there is such thing as a triple EE. It’s just not on the chart. It’s very rare, you see.” I was overjoyed to have ‘rare’ feet then but now I’m just relieved that there is one item of clothing I can purchase in the same shop and in the same fashion everybody else.

Whether or not I like my new shoes I can’t tell you. I can’t see them past my belly in this smock.